I don't have a plan

One thing that you may not know about my family, is that my dad works far away from home and only come to us for the weekend. I don't really have a close and heartwarming relationship with dad, but it is nice to have him around, cooking for us and driving us around, especially for mom and Nhim. Yet recently every times he comes home he would pause at the meal time and ask me that urging question that makes my heart ache:

- What are you doing? What is your plan now?

And most of the time I said "I don't know yet, I don't have a plan".

Often, and now more than ever, I want to take off the plan, of the next month or the next year or the next life. I know for some it sounds like an excuse to be lazy and unstable, but it is liberating in a way and it stops me from worrying too much. It is natural for parents to ask that question, and it is also natural for people at my age to be saying "I don't have a plan" because explaining that "I am trying new things and I think it will lead me to a place I want to be. I am interested in film now and I want to create and to change, I want to experience so much more than quickly getting a job I don't want and then too busy to open my heart. I love you but it doesn't mean that I can let you control my life and you don't have the "rights" to do that" is too much and will 100% make him angry and lead to a heated fight. Parents love their kids and see them as children always, and I love that, but sometimes that unconditional love can be overwhelming and blinds them from what they really want for their loved ones: "to be happy".


I am scared, I am scared to be like this, definitely, it is not traditional. But am I happy? I can wholeheartedly say yes. I can feel everything in myself changing, my thoughts, my perspective on life, on love, on people, I am not the one I was several months ago and I am super excited about it. I feel like myself, and I am certainly brave enough to be myself, and to be wrong and fix it. My path is not clear, my passion is not there screaming "Hey I am heree come pick me up", but I like it. "Like" is weak, but it is enough, it is like that faint smell of the rain before it comes pouring. And even if it doesn't rain, I would still be glad because I lived it, and I am not afraid to sniff a new smell again.


One thing I have been thinking, that sometimes I want to just simply put it out there for people, who are you to judge the happiness of others? Who are you to say that girl is happy with her degree and jobs and who are you to say that girl is vain for liking boys and having makeup on her face? There is no right happiness, nor is there right sadness. We are all struggling in a way, we all have hidden parts and we all have good and bad thoughts, imperfect in our way. The only and best thing we can do is to respect and support each other, because you are living yours and I am living mine, there can't be and there shouldn't be the other way around.

P.S: Maybe I should meditate more, get some peace of mind and focus on the present. Mental note done. For mental meditation, I recommend to you the great blog of Milenna, it truly has inspired and helped me so much and I hope you guys get as much from it as I do (or more!)

P.S 2: Sorry I have been away, I did want to come back with a film review, but this come up in my brain first so I need to get it out there, I am sorry it is a bit random. I hope you are still here with me.

And also, a letter to you, January.